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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats have gathered in force on the steps of the Supreme Court Building to express their collective outrage at possibly having to drive a few hours to commit murder.

“A five-hour round trip just to be able to murder a baby? Does the oppression never end?” cried Senator Warren, surrounded by protesters. “No woman should ever have to fill up with gas in order to meet a hitman!”

After the news broke of Roe possibly being overturned, liberals initially took to the streets to protest women being jailed for having miscarriages and warning that women with pregnancy complications would be shot for sport. However, they later learned that overturning Roe would do none of those things, and would in fact only allow states the option to outlaw the killing of small kids. This discovery did nothing to diminish their vexation that women in red states would have to drive to neighboring blue states, where killing defenseless children for cash will still be allowed.

Democrats have vowed to fight tirelessly to ensure murder will remain as easy as possible. “It doesn’t matter what it takes, even if it means an insurrection to overthrow the judiciary—whatever we have to do so kids can have their skulls crushed without too much hassle,” said Senator Klobuchar. 

At publishing time, protesters had updated the Democratic motto ‘Safe, Legal, Rare’ to a chant more fitting for 2022: “Easy, Legal, Extra Lethal!”


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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