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WASHINGTON, D.C.—After gathering at the steps of the Supreme Court and chanting all through the night in support of abortion, a crowd of worshippers are still having a hard time getting their pagan god Moloch to hear them.

“We’ve chanted, and danced, and even cut ourselves with knives, but still, Moloch is silent,” said protest leader and male feminist Skeeve Rapenburg. “Why does he not hear? Why won’t he send down fire from the sky and consume this infernal SCOTUS building? MOLOCH! HEAR US!” 

Sources at the scene have suggested that Moloch may possibly be on vacation, sitting on the toilet with terrible diarrhea, or binging the latest season of My Little Pony on Netflix. To get the attention of the ancient god of child blood sacrifice, the protestors will have to resort to even more extreme attention-seeking methods, such as arson or screaming into the camera in a TikTok video.

“We will not rest until the great Moloch hears us,” shouted Rapenburg, banging his drums even louder.

At publishing time, the crowd was discussing the possibility of sacrificing a beautiful virgin to get the god’s attention but failed to do so after being unable to find any virgins.

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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