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WORLD—According to sources, scientists are no closer to figuring out how 12 ounces of coffee can become 6 gallons of pee within mere hours of enjoying your morning beverage.
Scientists who’ve spent their whole lives researching this problem are reportedly stumped and they refuse to try curing cancer until they figure it out.
“We’ve ruled out a hundred different variables. Even test subjects who’ve been fasting for three days suddenly have a full bladder after one cup of coffee,” said Dr. Susan Sterlisch of UCLA. “The urine has to be coming from somewhere!”
With no conclusive findings so far, the international community is reportedly losing confidence in the reliability of the scientific method and threatening to cut funding for a number of different research projects.
“If they can’t figure out why I keep having to go to the bathroom every five minutes after a cup of coffee then how can I believe anything they say about climate change?” said Prime Minister Boris Johnson of England. The House of Commons then moved to impeach Johnson due to his admission he drank coffee instead of tea.
“I believe we’re close,” said Dr. Stephen Pomegranate, a researcher working with McDonald’s in Paris. “If I can just secure permission to use CERN’s Large Hadron Collider I think I can unlock the secrets of the coffee bladder.”
Experts say that understanding how coffee fills a human bladder could help us understand how to drink more coffee without having to go to the bathroom as much.
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.