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LOS GATOS, CA—Netflix subscribers increased ten-fold this week after the executive team brilliantly fired hundreds of employees—who will now stay home all day watching Netflix. Many of the former employees are DEI experts who worked hard to create the diverse content they now consume.
Layoffs reportedly came as a result of lower than expected subscriber numbers and a poor earnings report due to a complete lack of interest in any of the content Netflix is producing.
Netflix CEO Bill Netflix issued a public statement regarding the layoffs. “It is regrettable to let go of any employee—It’s the hardest part of being a multi-millionaire—but we’ve been dealing with a lot of pushback from our subscriber base who doesn’t care to pay for awful content nobody wants to watch.”
“That’s when I realized our employees are the primary demographic we’ve been looking for. They’re the only ones that seem to care about all the woke stuff we make. Now they are the subscriber base!”
Former employees have been spotted literally shaking as a result of their termination and now only find solace in binge-watching shows with a diverse cast of characters.
“I have nothing to do anymore,” said former Content Producer Dana Schaefer. “But I’m here for all the gay BIPOC stuff coming to Stranger Things season 4. I’m so excited I’m literally crying.”
Schaefer and others have shot off their resumés to other companies but sources reveal they’re happy where they are.
“As long as unemployment rolls in I can Netflix and chill,” said Charlotte Beauregard, a former member of Netflix’s Public Relations team. “Yassssss!”
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.