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ARRIVALS GATE, HEAVEN—At a press conference this week, angelic Chief of Staff Gabriel Angelino confirmed that new arrivals into heaven will receive complimentary cheddar bay biscuits, Red-Lobster style, before continuing in to receive their full reward.

“The biscuits arrive piping-hot in a basket, with 4-6 buttery, cheesy units per new arrival.” Gabriel announced to general fanfare. “While it will be beautiful to hear ‘Well done, good and faithful servant,’ the biscuits are an appetizer.” 

Members of the press had questions: “Does frontloading the biscuits cheapen the rest of the overall heavenly experience?” Gabriel answered directly: “No, these biscuits are a fitting start to the eternal marriage supper of the Lamb. Next question.” Other questions centered around whether Jesus’s promise of “I go to prepare a place for you” included Endless Shrimp or Lobsterfest menu items. Angelino confirmed he would circle back on the details.

Another reporter had his press badge revoked for unruly behavior due to his line of questioning. Eyewitnesses say correspondent Jefferson O’Malley asked about carb appetizer alternatives: “I was never a big fan. I think I just don’t like biscuits in general. They’re like mealy, dried out dinner rolls…” Angelic security escorted him away for a random search, citing agitated behavior and a random search “since only a psycho would turn down Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits.”

At publishing time, Gabriel had started explaining the rules about biscuit totals allowed per person, citing incidents where newly arrived Christians had poured biscuits into their wives’ purses and asked for fresh ones to go inside.


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