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KYIV—According to international reports, Ukrainian president Zelensky is insulted by the Biden Administration’s meager offering of only $33 billion in deadly weaponry, which is less than half of the $86 billion Biden left for the Taliban in Afghanistan. 

“I’ll be honest, this hurts,” said Zelensky to reporters. “I thought our corrupt relationship with the Biden family actually meant something! You guys can’t even scrape up $86 billion like you did for the Taliban? Maybe you can just invade our country and then quickly pull out overnight and leave all your weapons here. That might work!”

Sources in Afghanistan reported that the Taliban has offered to “one-up” Biden’s offer with their own shipment of arms and ammunition to Ukraine since there are so many extra guns lying around and they don’t know what to do with them. “We are proud to help the good people of Ukraine,” said Taliban General Mohammed Mohammed. “We can send at least $60 billion in extra weapons! Enjoy!”

To avoid being embarrassed on the world stage, the Biden Administration has offered to sweeten the weapon offer by also paying off Ukrainian student loans.

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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