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SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Reports are flooding in that the same exact people who said that they are not censoring anybody are absolutely furious that they won’t be able to censor anyone.

Now that Elon Musk—who is a strong proponent of free speech—has purchased Twitter, many employees worry that their days of inappropriately censoring opposing views are numbered. 

“So we’re just going to let people freely say whatever they want now? What if they say something we don’t like?” said Eliza Stephens, a Twitter content moderator who claims to have never ever censored anyone before. “How else will we prove we are right if we can’t silence the opposition entirely. If conservatives aren’t handicapped at every turn their ideas may catch on or be better than ours. AHHHHH!”

Other employees adamantly agreed that censoring people was not something they ever did. They explained that they simply limited their audience drastically and throttled their views all without that person’s knowledge. “They were still able to have freedom of speech, just not to as many people as they wanted, even if those people would have wanted to hear what they were saying,” said Kelly Burbank. “Clearly not censorship.”

According to sources, when news broke that Elon Musk hoped to bring transparency and end partisan censorship, Twitter employees fell to the ground, tearing at their clothes while shouting, “NOOOOOOO! Content moderation is a human right! Limiting the speech of others is an expression of my free speech!”

At publishing time, the censors who were not censoring, nor had they ever censored, had to be locked out of the Twitter code for fear that they might sabotage the code and censor conservatives—a thing that they have never done before.


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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