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U.S.—According to sources, American politicians who are running a government that is over $30 trillion in debt have come forward to criticize Elon Musk for spending $44 billion on Twitter. Several members of Congress and the Biden Administration are forcefully condemning Musk’s mishandling of funds. 

“Elon Musk is a billionaire, and he could’ve used that money to end world hunger and poverty and war and global warming in, like, two seconds,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren while taking several puffs of her Cherokee peace pipe. “It’s time to confiscate all his wealth to solve real problems, like funding another committee to investigate Donald Trump.”

AOC, a Representative who signed off on $6.8 trillion in spending last year alone, also had harsh words for the eccentric billionaire. “Elon Musk is spending his money to defend free speech, which is, like, a construct of white cis-male privilege. Such a waste! He could have given a million dollars to every person in America with that money!”

Experts now believe that with $44 billion, the government could’ve used it to feed about a dozen people and sent a ton of foreign aid to corrupt local warlords in Botswana.

“Instead of putting his money to good use, he’s spending it on trying to protect people’s right to express their opinions freely,” said Warren. “This is extremely dangerous to our quest for unlimited power—um, er, I mean, our quest for democracy.” 

At publishing time, the government approved another $44 billion in spending for more drones to bomb Yemen for some reason.


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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