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U.S.—Democratic leadership is reportedly spooked by new polling data which indicates even the dead may vote Republican in November. Voter turnout is expected to be the highest ever recorded.
Experts warn a “Red Wave” may cover the nation as both the living and dead push back against key Democratic policies such as child grooming and seeing how high inflation can get.
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer has sounded the alarm in Congress, advising senators to double down on their unpopular policies in an attempt to improve poll numbers among the dead. “The dead need their student loans paid!” he said in an emotional address on the Senate floor.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, meanwhile, has suggested rising sea levels as a result of climate change are to blame if a giant wave ends up flooding the country.
According to sources, Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has begun binge-watching AMC’s The Walking Dead for ideas on how to quell the undead threat. “You need to hit them in the brain. Then they can’t vote!” she said while barricading the capitol building.
Sen Mitt Romney feels confident that he’ll weather the storm by continuing to plant himself firmly on the political fence. “By playing both sides I can please all voters of Utah and accomplish nothing,” said a confident Romney. “No way they’ll replace me with an actual Republican.”
At publishing time, Sen Ted Cruz has begun eating popcorn as he watches his leftist colleagues scramble.
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.