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ORLANDO, FL—According to sources reporting from Disney World, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was seen crying outside the entrance in an expensive, designer dress with the words “GROOM THE KIDS” emblazoned across the fabric.
The congresswoman wept openly and screamed at the sky for several hours as she begged Ron DeSantis to allow Disney to continue grooming kids at their theme parks.
“Leave the theme park employees who want to groom children alone!” she cried as she clung to a fence outside Disney’s massive theme park complex in Orlando. “All they want is for the children to be able to mutilate themselves and make life-altering decisions when they’re, like, 2 years old!”
“Hands off our theybies!” shouted the congresswoman, crying while posing for photos from her PR team. Ocasio-Cortez reportedly stopped weeping for a few minutes several times during the staged appearance for her staffers to put more fake teardrops in her eyes.
The congresswoman’s boyfriend also appeared in the photos wailing and gnashing his teeth as he wore his custom-made “BOYS CAN MENSTRUATE” microskirt and tube top, though photographers sadly could not use the pictures as his feet were too big and gross. Florida Governor Ron DeSantis also made an appearance to form a counterprotest in a beautiful custom princess gown that said, “MEN ARE MEN.”
At publishing time, Ocasio-Cortez had to be freed by Disney’s private army of firefighters when she got her head stuck in the gate. (Because she is stupid.)
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.