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Oh no! It’s Sunday morning and the worship leader told everyone to turn and greet someone standing next to them! Doesn’t he know you’re an introvert and human interaction just isn’t your thing? How could they do this to you? Don’t worry fam—we here at The Babylon Bee are experts in avoiding church greeting time. 

Here’s everything you need to know to avoid the dreaded ritual: 

Skip showering: This is an easy one. Simply avoid bathing or doing laundry all week and no one will approach you! Oh wait—the extroverted person sitting next to you didn’t shower either! You’re doomed! 

Sneeze in all directions without covering your mouth: Much more effective now that you don’t have to wear a mask.

Replace your hands with pirate hooks: No one knows how to shake a pirate hook in greeting so they’ll just avoid it. 

Wear an “I’m With Her” t-shirt leftover from the Hillary Clinton campaign: This works outside of church as well. 

Hide in the baptismal waters and breathe through a straw: Unfortunately, this won’t work as well in a Lutheran or Anglican church where the baptismal is about the size of a birdbath. 

Stand perfectly still, like a statue: Many introverts believe this renders them invisible. 

Immediately start making out with your wife: Now we’re talkin’! 

Ask difficult theological questions from the Book of Revelation: You’ll become known as the “weird revelation guy” and people will stop talking to you. Nice! 

When all else fails, just forsake the assembling of yourselves together: The surest way to avoid uncomfortable human interaction. We’re pretty sure there’s nothing in the Bible against doing that, is there? 


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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