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WORLD—A new study has confirmed what scientists have long suspected: no one has ever actually enjoyed U2’s music; it’s just that everyone thought that everyone else did and no one wanted to be the one to speak up and make things awkward.
“It seems it all started in ’76, when U2 was still playing clubs in Ireland,” said researcher Harvey DeCastro. “They played one little pub for a matinee, and a girl named Emily was there with her mates. They all were kinda just bobbing their heads along. Emily was all, ‘Did ya like that?’ and her mates shrugged and were like, ‘We guess so,’ and Emily didn’t speak up because she didn’t want to make it weird, but her mates had thought that Emily liked their music, so they didn’t want to rain on her parade, and it all just kind of spun out of control after that.”
“Pop, Atomic Bomb, Songs of Innocence—Emily could have stopped it all if she’d just come out and said she didn’t like them.” DeCastro and his team tracked the spread of U2’s popularity from there, and their findings were shocking: not a single person ever actually liked U2. Even people described as “hardcore fans” only ever tolerated U2’s music, according to the research team. “It’s like, everyone just kinda went, ‘OK, there’s guitars, and drums, and that guy’s singing, so it must be super good and popular I guess?'”
The groundbreaking research indicates that humanity could have been saved from “With or Without You,” “Beautiful Day,” and “Angel of Harlem,” if people just had the courage to stand up and say they don’t like U2.
Similar research is being conducted on the popularity of Encanto.
Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.