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U.S.—With the recent lifting of mask mandates on airplanes, flight attendants have reported an unexpected benefit: problem customers can now be easily identified by their masks.

Multiple members of flight crews confirmed that they can now quickly map out who the problem customers are on a given flight and position their defense appropriately.

“We can spread out our zone formation to cover the areas with lots of maskers,” said Jillian Adams, a Delta flight attendant.  “We used to scan for visible body hair, T-shirts imprinted with too many words, and frumpy hairdos, but now we do a quick headcount and mark out a map of masked fliers. We can then assign our most grizzled steward to make regular passes by the seats of those we’ve dubbed ‘Karens’ to make sure they’re not mask-splaining to their seat-mates, dripping gobs of hand sanitizer on anyone, or causing any ruckus.”

“Those wearing two or three masks and a face shield are granted special attention, and we generally switch to a man-to-man defense for those passengers.”

According to sources from multiple airlines, things got pretty hairy during the pandemic, as everyone wore a mask, and flight attendants weren’t able to tell those wearing a mask voluntarily from normal people. But with the recent ruling striking down the mask mandate, wearing a mask is once again a sign of being a psychopath or else an old-timey bandit intent on stealing everyone’s gold.


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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