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WASHINGTON, D.C.—After learning that a rogue, Trump-appointed federal judge tossed out airplane mask mandates, the Biden Administration announced its plans to reimplement those mandates in a bid to hit a record-low approval rating.

“Listen, setting records is a matter of principle that I’ve held dear since back when I was the chief judge for the folks at Guinness World Records,” said President Biden to journalists who were actually asking about his disastrous border policy. “If I see a chance to set a record, that’s what I’m gonna do, folks. That’s why I’m a Senator. Turnip.”

The Justice Department has already begun the appeals process as part of a government-wide effort to appear as the inept enemy of the people. They claim to have found enough grifty “health professionals” to convince the appeals judge how mandating useless cloth face coverings on airplanes is just the ticket to give President Biden a clear lead as the worst president in American history.

At publishing time, The Biden Administration had announced plans to force elementary schools to hire convicted pedophiles as teachers.

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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