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JUNCTION STATION, TX—Local woman Heather Garinski, 38, does not have a husband, which is really sad, because she has no one to pause the Lord of the Rings movies and explain interesting behind-the-scenes trivia to her, according to sources.

During her most recent watch-through of the trilogy, the poor woman saw the scene at Bree without ever knowing that Peter Jackson made a cameo appearance. She enjoyed the scenes set on the snowy mountain Caradhras but had no idea that Sean Bean didn’t like flying in helicopters so hiked up to the shoot location every morning in full costume while the rest of the cast flew to the top.

She didn’t even know about the forced perspective and elaborate practical effects used to make the Hobbits look small, and had absolutely no insight into the fact that the actor who portrayed Gimli, John-Rhys Davies, was actually the tallest member of the fellowship.

“It really looks like Aragorn hurt his toe there,” she said to herself as Viggo Mortensen appeared on screen and kicked an Orc helmet in his rage. “I wish I had someone here to pause this scene and tell me the behind-the-scenes story to that. Oh well. I guess I will never know.”

At publishing time, Garinski had made another dating profile on which she specifically listed that she is a “woman seeking a man with hundreds of obscure Lord of the Rings trivia facts and is willing to explain them in detail to me.”

Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.

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