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SACRAMENTO, CA—The California Department of Education has rejected 100% of biology textbooks from the state’s public school curriculum because they perpetuate outdated backward ideas that there are only two genders, said Governor Gavin Newsom on Monday.

“Children are the future,” said Gov Newsom in a statement to the press. “It is inappropriate that we share these stone-age scientific ideas from radicalized scientists. Everyone knows there are an infinite number of genders. The science is settled.”

Orders of biology textbooks for grades 7-12 have been canceled. Joining them is a ban on all textbooks for grades 1-6. These books feature numerous subjects ranging from social studies to Math but they also have bigoted mentions of male and female genders which education officials have been allegedly traumatized by.

“In the next school year, our grade-schoolers will move away from conventional textbooks in favor of printouts of legislature-approved Twitter threads. It’ll save us a lot of money in the long run.”

Gov Newsom then came out as a dumpster bear in solidarity with non-normative trans persons of color.

“I am one of you,” he said while putting on a greasy bear head.


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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