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NAMPA, ID—Local construction worker and faithful husband Joseph Smithereen has recently placed sanctions on his wife of fifteen years after she invaded his side of the bed, again.

“That does it!” yelled Smothereen. “Despite my continual warnings, she has proceeded with a totally unprovoked take over of my side of the bed. Her actions have left me with no choice but to impose heavy sanctions.”

Martha Smithereen will reportedly have restricted access to the television, bathroom, and laundry machine. He has also worked with foreign allies to inhibit her ability to import foreign essential oil.

“If she relinquishes control of my side of the bed I will remove the sanctions immediately,” said Joseph. “But I will take any further incursion into my area as a clear sign of aggression.”

“I have a package of sanctions ready to go if she escalates matters further.”

Martha issued a statement to reporters that she was offended by her husband’s sanctions but that they didn’t affect her much. “Keeping me from doing the laundry or dishes hurts him more than me. He’s going to cripple his public image!”

Sources report that Martha is, however, upset she can no longer watch Tiny House Hunters because “their houses are so tiny it’s crazy!”

At publishing time, Joseph Smithereen hired a third party to investigate potential war crimes committed by his wife.


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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