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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Undocumented immigrants fled the nation’s capital Friday after being bused in by Texas Gov Greg Abbott just two days prior. The migrants, who had been detained after illegally crossing the American border, were reportedly excited for a new chapter in their lives until they found themselves stranded in a crime-riddled wasteland.

“¡Qué susto! What a dump!” said José Sombrero, a father who has dreamed of picking oranges for a dollar an hour ever since he was a child. “I’ve never seen such a wretched den of corruption, evil, and misery! Get me out of here!”

“¡Gracias a Dios mis hijos están en jaulas!” he then told authorities as he begged to be returned to Mexico.

According to translators, Sombrero claimed he had no idea America had gotten so bad and found himself longing for the beautiful cocaine fields of Mexico.

Authorities report a large group of migrants have embarked on a quest to leave the D.C. area and return to Mexico on their own, but are concerned that it might be harder to leave America than to get in.


Mandy is absolutely triggered by Twitter’s possible takeover by Elon Musk. She attends a Twitter-sponsored therapy session to help her cope.


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