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SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Twitter headquarters has sustained extensive water damage following Elon Musk’s $43 billion bid to buy out the company. Early reports indicate that the source of the water is the tears of the company’s liberal employees who are devastated at the news. 

“NOOOOOOO!!!!!! I refuse to work for Elon Musk!” screamed Evie Mandrake (they/them) falling to her knees, tearing at her clothes, and sobbing uncontrollably. “He can’t keep getting away with this! We can’t let him allow free speech!”

Witnesses claim that tears are currently pouring out all the exits and windows of Twitter’s HQ. Structural engineers at the scene are not sure if the building can be salvaged. “In this case, the high salt content of the tears already threatens to corrode the steel structure of the building. I guess we’ll have to gut the place and turn it into a homeless shelter after all.” said Mark Powell, senior engineer.

Of the few Twitter employees that were still able to still speak coherently, they explained that they fear what may happen to this platform now that people they don’t like can’t be silenced on a whim. “Now anyone could be subject to being banned. Even the accounts we have been protecting by turning a blind eye to are at risk now!”

At publishing time, the local news channel was forced to put out a flood warning for the Twitter headquarters surrounding area for the foreseeable future as the weeping and gnashing of teeth continues. 


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