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TAMPA, FL—According to sources, a local Florida man has begun importing movies from China to avoid the hamfisted LGBTQ representation being crammed into major Hollywood releases. Studio films, particularly from Disney, have had “any gay stuff” removed by Chinese censors for years. Most recently, Fantastic Beasts: The Secret of Dumbledore has had six seconds removed so that viewers can ignore that J.K. Rowling retconned Dumbledore into being “secretly super gay” back in 2007.

“It’s actually pretty convenient,” said Sam Hancock to reporters with the Tampa Bay Times. “The movie has already been professionally cut by the studios so I don’t have to groan for part of the movie. Sure, six seconds might not sound like much but I don’t care what you think.”

Hancock has been able to watch every major movie release in the last year through the eyes of a wholesome Chinese censor. He’s reportedly extra excited for Thor: Love and Thunder.

“It’s going to be 30 minutes long,” he explained. “Plus, I’ll get the movie earlier than everyone else. In my view that makes me a winner!”

Hancock later informed reporters the only downside to his consuming censored media was that he kept forgetting Tawain was an independent nation.


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