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BET SHEMESH, ISRAEL—Investigators working with the Israel Antiquities Authority have claimed David used an illegal “ghost” sling in his famous battle with Goliath. Experts allege the ghost sling would have been untraceable, which would account for why Goliath was caught off guard so easily.

“Goliath, a man who stood about 7’10” by modern reckoning, would not have been defeated so easily if David had a legal sling registered with the proper authorities,” said Dr. Phil Gath, a professor at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. “David probably used a 3D printer or something, maybe he just stole some leather and grabbed some stones to put something together himself. We’re not sure where the sling came from.”

“But we are certain it did not have an authenticated serial number registered with a government database,” he added.

Scholars have suggested that Goliath’s defeat by David was a turning point for Philistia.

“If Goliath beat David to claim Israel then the Philistines would have become a mighty power. They would have been in a better position to fend off King Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon, who basically turned their land into a giant parking lot,” said Dr. Gath.

“Illegal ghost slings are directly responsible for the fall of Philistia.”

Investigators have submitted their findings to an academic research paper where it will later be used by politicians for personal agendas outside of its historical context.

Babylon Bee subscriber Shawnfucious Of The Nineth Realm contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

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