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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As part of the Biden Administration’s efforts to maintain its perfect record of financial responsibility, Joe Biden sat down with the American people and conducted a performance review in which he gave Americans an 8.5% pay cut.

“Thanks for meeting me here in…wherever we are. Delaware? Kiev? Anyway, I’ve got some good news and bad news,” said Biden to the American people while sucking his thumb. “The good news is, my sitters say they’re gonna give me a special vacation in a farm upstate sometime soon because of my good behavior. The bad news is that you, the American people, have really been underperforming.”

The President then paused in thought for a moment before removing his shoe and gnawing on it, then continued, “You see, pal, it’s everyone’s fault but mine that the price of gas and ice cream are through the roof. You have really hurt the American people, American people.”

Biden then gave a succinct explanation of the government’s need to tighten its belt due to Americans, Putin, Ukraine, Trump, Elon Musk, Luxembourg, Prussians, El Niño, garden gnomes, and Tom Bombadil.

“What I’m saying, American people, is that due to policies of everyone but me, you’re getting a pay cut of 8.5% until I can use increased taxes to drum up enough printing presses to make more paper moneys.”

Having difficulty staying afloat in today’s rapidly changing economic landscape? Duke Geralt LéMaster provides some insightful tips to help you cope in these trying times.

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