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CNN+ apparently launched a couple of weeks ago (we had to look it up to make sure). The service is $5.99 a month, but why throw your money away when there are so many more worthwhile things to spend your hard-earned dollars on?
Consider these ten much better ways to spend your money than subscribing to CNN+:
1) Buy a single gallon of gas: You’re not going to have the extra money left over for CNN anyway.
2) Pay a random person on the street to tell you what happened in the news: The news will be more reliable and you’ll feel like you stepped back in time to speak with a town crier. Educational!
3) Buy 5 things off the dollar menu at Taco Bell: At least it’ll clear out your intestinal tract. You’ll be supermodel thin!
4) Rent an AirBNB and slam your fingers in the door for the entire duration of your stay: Pricier than a CNN+ subscription but also a better investment. If you’re on a budget try buying a pair of brass knuckles and punching yourself in the spleen.
5) Feed your money through a paper shredder: Or buy an NFT, I guess.
6) Buy a Starbucks latte to pour it in your eyes: Don’t bother with extra shots of espresso. It won’t add anything to the experience.
7) Contribute to GoFundMe for soon-to-be unemployed Chris Wallace: We’re rooting for you, champ! Keep your chin up.
8) Place a bet that Colin Kaepernick will be an NFL Quarterback again: 99-1 odds, but if you win you’ll be a riiiiiiiiiiiiich!
9) Buy half a gallon of gas: The price went up since we started this list.
10) Become a majority shareholder in CNN: Shut it down for good!
NOT SATIRE: Don’t Give Your Money to Companies That Hate You. Woke corporations are seeking to divide us, big banks are freezing the accounts of people that disagree with their political views, and our supply chain is dependent upon countries that actively work against our values. It’s time for a change and that change starts with you and your wallet. It’s time for a parallel economy; one where Americans that love their freedoms are able to spend money at the local businesses that share their values for all of life’s purchases.
PublicSq. (pronounced “public square”) is an app & website that connects freedom-loving Americans with their local communities and the businesses that share their values. In fact, we’re the largest directory of freedom-loving businesses our nation has ever seen, and we’re just getting started.