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Elon Musk recently found some spare change in his jeans pocket and decided to buy 9.2% of Twitter. Like a loving father, Musk is helping Twitter get back on the right path. Way to go, Elon!
Here are a few of the epic changes coming to Twitter as a result:
1) A warning label will be placed on all tweets that aren’t based enough: The label will also be placed on memes that are insufficiently dank.
2) You can now choose from one of three avatars—Musk, Doge, and Pepe the Frog: This is all you need.
3) All tweets will freeze at 420 likes and 69 retweets: Nice.
4) Donald Trump will be allowed back in exchange for removing porn, terrorists, and genocidal leaders: Seems reasonable.
5) Sharing the New York Post story about Hunter’s laptop is now mandatory: At least once per day. It’s only fair.
6) Tweets from AOC will automatically be translated into English: We’ve been waiting for this feature forever!
7) The Babylon Bee will be placed in charge of all fact-checking: They are the most factual and infallible site in the world.
8) Jack Dorsey will be required to tweet “Censoring conservatives makes me an enemy of freedom” 100 times: Get writing, mister!
9) Anyone who doesn’t like the changes will be offered the chance to leave and start their own social network: Conservatives are currently practicing their “smug” faces in the mirror for when they get a chance to say this.
NOT SATIRE: While Twitter’s newest stakeholder figures out the future of the social media site, subscribe to Dad Saves America to figure out the future of our kids and country.
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