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Did you know that your morning beverage of choice can predict your political leanings with 100% accuracy? Don’t look it up—just trust us, it’s a totally real thing. 

Here is what your preferred morning drink says about your politics: 

Black Coffee – You are a red-blooded, freedom lovin’, conservative AMERICAN!

Decaf with cream – LOL you liberal snowflake 

Metamucil – Hail to the Chief! You’re the President of the United States! 

Kombucha – You’re a Democratic Socialist hippie with diarrhea. Gross, dude. 

Rainwater collected with a tarp – Libertarian.

Milk – You’re either a serial killer or Mitt Romney.

Lukewarm tap water – You’re a centrist but probably call yourself “politically homeless” 

Gasoline – Anarchist 

The fresh salty sea air and a swig of brandy – Oh no! You’re an 18th-century whaling vessel captain!

Deionized Mineral Free Water – Far-right QAnon conspiracy theorist

5 Diet Cokes – Orange authoritarian dictator

Your own pee – Bear Grylls

Liberal Tears – Ben Shapiro

Tea – You are loyal to King George III and should be thrown into the harbor

Gold River Trading Co. Tea – You believe in God, guns, freedom, and AMERICA!!!

Skinny mocha dairy-free decaf no-whip latte – Nazi. 


NOT SATIRE: Tired of buying sugary drinks and coffee from large woke corporations? Throw a tea party! Gold River Trading Co. is an American company that offers premium alternatives for Americans who enjoy a delicious cup of tea.

Start your day with Gold River’s invigorating American Breakfast Blend or unwind with Chamomile Herbal tea. Explore a variety of high-quality blends and enjoy a healthy, flavorful alternative from an American company that shares your values.

Shop now and receive 10% off using “BEE” at checkout.