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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senator Mitt Romney is furious after discovering that his Republican colleagues have been going to cocaine-fueled orgies for years and no one ever invited him. To get back at his fellow senators, he has announced that he will vote to confirm Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court.

“All these years I thought you guys were just too busy to hang out with me,” said Romney in a statement. “But you’ve been having coke orgies every weekend and never thought to invite me? I would have liked to be invited guys! You invited Madison Cawthorn and he doesn’t even have legs that work!”

“I’ll show all of you! I’ll vote for this radical Commie judge! How do you like that?” Romney sniffled. 

Republican senators responded, saying they just forgot to invite him and it had nothing to do with Romney being “super lame”. They then went on to officially deny they have ever been involved in a Washington D.C. orgy.

“You’ll be sorry!” Romney bellowed. “I’m gonna start my very own orgy and none of you are invited!”

Romney was later seen at a carry-out asking the cashier how much caffeine-free Diet Coke he would need to throw a proper coke orgy.


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